Drowning in a Hospital Bed
by bookstolivewith
Summary: The lights she'd first seen as a little girl before she knew about all of this. About magic and secrets and castles and spells, as if anyone would believe that if she told them. LJ. Please read and review.
1. Stars

Lily watched as the stars popped in front of her eyes, twinkling; in the back of her mind, she realized that they looked like the city lights of London, if one saw them at a distance. The lights she'd first seen as a little girl before she knew about all of this. About magic and secrets and castles and spells, as if anyone would believe that if she told them.

She felt the air leave her lungs and her eyes watered. The stars dissipated into darkness and suddenly but slowly, as if drowning, Lily collapsed. She couldn't bring herself to care. Behind her, in front of her, to the sides, she heard several voices –murmurs reached her clogged ears but one voice sounded over the others.

That voice, the scream it gave, sounded as if it had been pulled from a soul; it was deep and mahogany and Lily knew exactly to whom it belonged. She refused to let herself think of it, think on it and chose instead to float away – letting the blackness pull her in, pull her under, pull her away.

_Away to a place without thoughts. Away to a place without panic. Away to a place where she wasn't afraid._


	2. Fog

When she woke, fighting to emerge from the darkness, Lily was acutely aware of where she was. Only place she could be really, once she thought about it – the hospital wing. She wasn't truly aware of _how_ she knew this but it was a certainty. Otherwise, Lily was struggling to comprehend anything else.

Her face was cool for the most part, but her chest and legs burned – there was heat and an ache that had yet to be cured. Her eyes watered as they opened, but Lily saw very little through them; above her was foggy and vague, with little lights peeking about every now and then. She tried to move her head to see better – the pain seared through her body like a lightning bolt.

Lily quickly gave up on_ that_, instead lying very still and closing her eyes, letting a few tears of relief escape as her burning eyes shut. Warmth brushed across her skin, chasing the tears away, lingering for a few moments. _Another certainty._

As the warmth began to dissipate from her face, a pleasantly weathered and scorching hand was grasping her own; there was a slight pressure and then, a release. The mystery hand's fingers were intertwined with her own; it was _so, so_ comforting. Lily knew who it was and wished that her damn eyes weren't fogged over so that she could believe it.

The fog pervaded, becoming more imminent and surrounding Lily without mercy. Lily's eyes rolled back into her head as a pressing weight settled onto her chest; it robbed her of air, it felt like drowning in a lake, and sent pain shooting through her body, making her legs spasm. She felt the grasp on her hand tighten and an indistinct yet panicked shout rang through the air. More yells followed.

Suddenly, Lily heard a whisper very close to her ear. It was crystal clear (so different from the muffled yelling) and the very sensation of being able to hear shocked her into listening to what this voice had to say.

"Lily, Lily, Lily, stay with us, please stay. Lils, we are going to take care of you. Don't leave. Please, please stay, Lily. For me."

Lily wanted to kick and scream and cry out and comfort this voice, this pained voice. She was forced to lie there however, gasping for air and crying silent hot tears so as to convey her discomfort. And she was scared and ashamed because Merlin, shouldn't she be brave and _she wasn't_. She wasn't being brave.

Her hand was numb from the pressure being applied, but that was the good kind of pain, with her fingers feeling as if they might break. A sharp prick registered in her mind; the pain was emanating from her upper left arm and Lily was aware she must have been medicated.

Lily wasn't dumb, far from it; she knew that her only chance of survival was to allow the medicine to help her and to rest. So, she let the medicine pull her away and clear the fog, until only blackness was left.

"_Don't leave. Please, please stay, Lily. For me." _


	3. Daylight

When Lily resurfaced, she noticed it was easier. The pain that had previously racked her body was – for the moment - gone and her vision was clearer; the ceiling of the hospital wing had never looked quite so welcoming. A heat enwrapped her hand, strange fingers curled between her own.

Carefully and slowly, Lily shuffled into a sitting position on the hospital cot, examining her injuries and stretching sore muscles; these stretches were accompanied with quiet hisses and grunts. Lily still refused to look at the hand grasping her own. Finally, her head lolled back onto the pillow and taking a deep breath, she turned her head.

Lily breathed in sharply, eyes traveling up and down the form of the sleeping boy grasping her hand in a – pardon the expression - death grip. _Bloody James Potter._ She didn't want…need…_he shouldn't be here._ _Why would he be here?___

Tearing her eyes away from James, Lily viewed the room. The sunlight was just beginning to filter in through the windows; the grays, purples and blues that she loved were turning into pinks and yellows that she couldn't garner any feeling about.

Daylight made this real; Lily knew daylight made this situation – with James grasping her hand and her not being able to breathe – true.

Lily turned her gaze back to James and gently tried to pull her hand away without waking him. _Damn. No such luck._ James's head shifted slightly and his eyes flickered open; Lily stopped moving as their eyes met. James squinted up at her, and then abruptly shot up in his seat.

"Lily, Lily, Lils," he said, leaning forward and grabbing her face with his hands. His thumbs traced down her cheekbones and he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "How are you? Do you hurt anywhere?" _Which was honestly, such a dumb question._

She shook her head and pulled away from his hands; giving him this look of confusion and guilt, Lily turned her attention to the sunrise. James followed her eyes, pulling one of her hands between his, as if desperate to never let go.

"James," said Lily, voice hoarse. "What happened to me?"

James sighed deeply. "You took a curse, a spell – hit the ground hard, scariest moment of my life. I rushed you up here right away – not even sure how the fight finished. You almost died. You were supposed to…die." His voice shook slightly and he squeezed her hand. "But you didn't. You're here."

The sun had completely filled the room now and Lily felt somehow reborn with his truthful words but still awfully defeated. She sighed, shaking her head and said, "How long have you been here?"

"Since you've been here."

"Right. How long have I been here?"

"Since the last time you woke up, which was about five hours after the curse? About a week."

Lily nodded but said nothing further. James followed suit.

Finally, James said, "So, _how_ do you feel?"

"Like shit. Shit that's been fixed but… it's going to go right back to being shit, you know?" Lily laughed a bit, and felt exhausted suddenly; the sun was draining, not rejuvenating as the poets claimed. She slid down against the pillows, curling under her covers; without a word, James tucked the yellow colored blankets in around her.

He brushed his hand over her forehead and kissed the hand he had basically refused to relinquish. "Sleep well, Lils." He settled back in his chair, watching as Lily tried to sleep.

"James. Why are you here?" Her eyes were still closed but the question burned her lips and she needed to ask. When no reply came, Lily opened her eyes slowly.

James looked surprised and perhaps a bit affronted, as if _why shouldn't he be here_? He regarded Lily and she felt suddenly nervous – there was so much determination and desire and undeserved love in those eyes.

"Because you are, Lily."

Lily's lungs constricted and her heart beat suddenly. Her body felt heavy but she couldn't tear her eyes from James. She wanted to, she should have done it, she needed to – _but she could not tear her eyes away from his. _

The daylight made this so sad and true and real. Lily wasn't ready for that – not so raw and near death and so newly recovered. So, because she shouldn't have been a Gryffindor, she let the heat of the sun combined with the heat of his eyes lull her back to sleep.

_Because you are, Lily. _


	4. Shadows

After two more days of being overly administered to in the hospital wing, Lily managed to convince the nurse that she could return to her dorms without fear of damage. She was ecstatic, of course – she missed her friends, sleeping in a comfortable, familiar bed and was beyond ready to return to a sense of normality.

Mostly though, Lily was determined to find someone who would relay the truth about the fight. James's version was too short and too simplified and _too focused on her_. She was ready for the blunt honesty of a handsome young man named Sirius Black.

Which is why, after dinner on Tuesday, Lily was hobbling, with the help of one irritated James Potter, back to the Gryffindor Common Room. James had argued against her release but she had been adamant. She had succeeded, of course, because James could never deny her anything.

"Lily, please let me help you. You shouldn't be… you're going to hurt yourself," James said. Lily rolled her eyes and continued to pull herself up the stairs, hand grasped tightly on the banister. She was fine, _damn it_, she just wanted the truth. She was _fine._

Finally, she reached the portrait hole, where the Fat Lady smiled sympathetically at her before admitting them entrance into the common room. Lily wandered over to the couch in front of the fireplace; she collapsed onto the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest. James hung over her, leaning against the back of the couch, watching and waiting.

"Go and get Sirius," instructed Lily. Seeing the hurt in James's eyes, she added, "Please, James."

James sighed deeply, and took the stairs to the boy's dormitories two at a time. Lily stared at the fire in the meanwhile, watching as the flames licked the inside walls of the fireplace, creating a ring of shadows on the floor. She wondered what had happened, what had taken her down, who had taken her down. What had they done about it?

Lily was still lost in thought when James returned with Sirius, who sat down next to Lily, exhaling deeply. Lily started and turned to him, eyeing him carefully. With a quick last glance at James, whose mouth was drawn into frown, Lily said, "Tell me the truth."

Sirius's hand passed over his whole face, popping his jaw and rubbing at his five o'clock shadow, before he chuckled and turned to James. "Couldn't satisfy her, huh?"

His eyes hardened and her face quirked sourly. "Sirius…" came James's warning tone.

Sirius chuckled before answering Lily, each word weighted but carefully picked for understanding. "Well, Lily, you were there for the beginning of it. You know what they said, what we did, what you did and why it all happened, I suppose. You remember that, right? Sorry…didn't know if anything had been affected, during…well. It got pretty confusing fast; it escalated too quickly, you know? You went down… you were the first and we all panicked. Because the Lily Evans was _down._ I think it was Bellatrix, my bitch of a cousin that got you. It was an evil spell – the nurse had to call Dumbledore because she couldn't figure out any cure for it; he wouldn't tell us what the spell was – that's how bad it was. Lily, you weren't supposed to live."

James grunted, shaking his head, as if to tell Sirius to cut it out. Lily snorted at him and waved her hand in a circular motion, "Continue. What did you do?"

Sirius stifled a laugh. "I'd say nothing, Lily, but that'd be lying. We got them good but they got off easy. We had lots of detentions to serve, expect for Jamesy here. Because he rushed you to the hospital wing. Awful good of him, don't you think? Anyway, those damn Slytherins practically got off scot-clean. Because there was no "proof" – they claimed that you must have cast that spell on yourself by accident due to the fact that you aren't pureblood. The board of directors ate that shit up, too – and so… nothing. In the end, nothing changed. Except for no one knew if you would live. Stressed so bad he couldn't sleep, James did," finished Sirius, with a wink and a lazy tone.

James growled and Lily averted her eyes back to the flames, watching the shadows and the light and wondering when, _if_ it would all change.

Sirius patted her head and said, "I'm glad you didn't die, Lily," before rising from the couch and returning back to his dorm; Lily didn't even blink, eyes dancing with the flames. Lily and James sat in silence for a few moments, each processing Sirius's story before James cleared his throat. "Time for bed, Lils."

Lily nodded, barely aware of his words, as she was so intent on watching the shadows created by the flames. This was her world now – reflected in that fire; that's what she had figured out by now. A bright light, that was herself and her friends and some of her family, all fighting against the shadows, which were the Bellatrix's and supremacists pureblood families of _her_ world. "I'll be fine, James."

"I know, Lily. I know. But I'm here, if you want." And she wanted him around, she did but she _couldn't_ – not with all these shadows. So, Lily said nothing and gave him a brief smile, before pushing herself up from the couch. Slowly, she climbed up to her dorms, shadows still dancing through her brain.

_I'm here, if you want. _

_ You weren't supposed to live. _

_ In the end, nothing changed. _


End file.
